Have you ever...?

Have you ever felt that you were going nowhere and that even your future plans doesn't seem like it will get you very far? Have you ever thought that your significant other was cheating? Have you ever thought what would be like if you never lived to see another day? Have you ever thought about what would it be like to be a parent or not be a parent if you currently are one? Have you ever just questioned why you are the way you are? Have you ever just question why are you here? Have you ever questioned why you are going through the pain of what is currently going on in your life? Have you ever just stand in the shower and cried your eyes out? Have you ever been embarrassed to talk about your problems because you're afraid you won't hear what you want to hear? Have you ever just looked at your peers and realize that you trust none of them?

I'm sitting here wondering why these things come to my mind, especially when I lay in the dark trying to sleep. I wonder why I go through the things I go through. I wonder why I trust no one, why I go through so much pain, why I am scared he's cheating, why, why why why why... I know I'm not the only one with these thoughts and feelings. Everything that has happened to me haunts me like a bad dream. Things that happened made me scared but I have to act like it doesn't effect me. I have to act strong when in reality I am weak. I do it so no one sees me as the person who gives up. I stay strong and go through what I go through because I was told it has to get worse before it gets better. But when things get better I get more scared because something always happens, it has to get worse again. I don't want to put on a mask anymore when it gets worse, but then again I can't show I'm weak. I remember when there was no drama for me then after a certain point its like everything became a test. A test I didn't study for the night before. I wing it all. All my issues I wing it, all my challenges I wing it. And in the end I'm doing it alone, I'm changing myself because no one will change for me. I can't change anyone else, they change themselves. I see why. I'm tired of being the doormat, I wanna be there equally with everyone else. I want him getting nervous and jealous instead of me being that way. I want people to look at me differently... Sorry if this is too personal. Idk where else I could vent right now.